Congress marketing pitch; offerings and services – revealed in introduction letter to new allies

Published on Faking News in Sept 13

Our sources got this document from Congress headquarters. Though it could not be confirmed, it looks like it is part of their introduction letter to new, potential allies. 

We will make you an offer you can’t refuse.

We would like to introduce ourselves as a 130 year old conglomerate offering variety of solutions for organizations looking for special services. Our happy and contented customers vouch for our unmatched offerings and services.

Our bouquet of offerings:

Immunity & Protection: The law is an ass, someone said. And if you are on wrong side of it, it can become an irritating ass. As one of our core competencies, we provide special offerings for total immunity & protection from investigation & persecution. We also have the capability to redefine laws in case our customers have a need. We use only ISO certified clean chits.

Currently we have a situation of high internal resource utilization and with the limited, remaining resources, we are offering it only to our premium customers. Some of our important customers who have used our services are Mulayam Singh, Mayawati, Kanimozi, A Raja, Laloo Prasad Yadav, Akbaruddin Owaisi, Madani etc. Actually the list is endless and also includes some international ones like Anderson, Quattrochi etc.

Image Management: We shape opinion. Our IM team can convincingly project a terrorist as a respectable figure and a Godman as a cretin. If you have availed our services of Immunity & Protection and now want to move up the perception of decency level, you need us.

On the other hand if you want your honest competitor to have an image that attracts public derision and ridicule, you need us. Our successful campaigns have been projecting a robot as economist, a sub average middle aged person as a youth inspiration, a case of sour grapes as sacrifice, a genocide as a normal human reaction and an inefficient Chief Minister as mass murderer.

Wealth Creation: The division which originally began with the objective of covering costs, grew into a strategic business division in its own right in a short time. Later, considering our customer’s stated and latent requirements, we offered our services.

We have many offerings in this stream which vary from basic elements franchisee (air, water, land, airwaves etc.), exclusive rights for focused product groups (Sh. Sharad Pawar, our esteemed customer saw the profits in sugar grow exponentially), corporate politician partnership (CPP) based businesses (Warren Buffet was inspired by one of our customers Sh. Vadra when he said, “Buy low, sell high”), agency services (Our esteemed customer Praful Patel, on behalf of IA bought planes it did not need, with the money it did not had, to run the routes it had already lost but the commissions were the real value addition) among others.

Importantly, some of the offerings in this stream come with built in revenue & profit sharing models thus reducing your risk.

Focussed customer reach: We have an unmatched capability of identifying a targeted audience / customer group and tailoring offerings to suit their requirements. After all we have been doing it for over hundred years.

For example, if you are a textile tycoon and wish to foray into religious headgear business, we can not only help you with data on addressable customer universe, their financial profiling, buying habits etc. but also help increase the usage of such headgear with interventionist campaigns.  Our marketing campaigns have the unique ability of projecting an image being everything to everyone. Every target audience perceives the program to be its own benefit even if it not intended to be.

Succession Management: Once a Customer, Always a Customer. We believe that once you have become our customers, your future generations should not be deprived of our services. We not only handhold the next generation in the succession and transition phase but also offer attractive succession discount on all services employed by the previous one.

Higher the number of generations associated with us, lower the cost. As Ajay Maken says, “The belief in the business world that the third generation normally runs the business into ground was proved wrong in my case.”

Retirement Homes: After a successful, high profile career in the limelight, you wish to live a life where you are the king of all you survey, where you have no responsibilities but still have trappings of power. You do not want to work but keep living a king size life. We are the right place for you. We would set you up and you will discover new horizons every day. As one of our esteemed customer, Sh. N D Tiwari says, “I discovered skills I never thought I had.”

Customized Offerings: Napoleon had said, “Give me enough medals and I will win any war.” We believe in it seriously and modified it to “Get us new customers and we will have a new offering every day”.  Our recent offering to our old and existing customer in UP was “Three Monkey Strategy”. It was a win – win deal.

Our three member top management team truly reflects the diversity of our customer base. It has Ph.D.s to school dropouts, economists as well as people with hands on experience in hospitality industry, consultants who avoid anything resembling responsibility, powerful people who have the capability to use power without accountability and responsible people who have shied away from accountability despite having power.