Random notes

Published on Faking News in Jan 14 In a surprise announcement, Aam Aadmi Party today declared unveiling of it’s new wing ‘Kejri Durbar’ run by ‘Kejri Baba’. This was announced at a simple, austere press conference held at a leading seven star hotel (name withheld) in Delhi. A typical ‘Kejri Durbar’. This durbar should not be compared with Nirmal Durbar, run by Nirmal Baba, the spokesman announced as it would be secular & offer solutions never thought of before. Explaining the rationale, the spokesman stated, “You are aware that we are trying to propagate a unique & different style of politics. In our recent membership drive we were getting all ‘different’ kind of people coming to us. These included some loan defaulters, some convicts, people fired from their jobs, over the hill artistes & professionals, some who have been wrongly accused of corruption, society rejects or even those who could not complete education but became MLAs etc. Most come to us to find sol...

Published on Faking News in Jan 14 My new year wishes to India & Indians. May God give Delhi the prosperity to pay their water & electricity bills and valour to protect the womenfolk. May Mumbaikar’s life be without potholes. May they have so much rain that no one has to urinate in the reservoirs. May West Bengal have the strength to survive neo Left & Left, may their intellectual prowess overcome the headless chickens masquerading as leaders. May Bihar have the astuteness to escape the vicious whirlpool of fake secularism & casteism. May they attain the escape velocity to get out of special status begging bowl. May UP & AP get the help of God & Rajnikant to uncomplicate themselves & get out of the clutches of self serving politicians. May Haryana Khaps take a leap of two centuries. May the girl child survive & prosper. May Punjab have the sagacity to understand that the patriotism is the strongest intoxicant, gives the strongest kick. ...

Published on Faking News in Dec 13 Dear Mrs. Sonia Gandhi, “Don’t worry mom.” From one parent to another, I can empathize with your pain, anguish and anger. It is perfectly normal for a parent to be upset, disappointed as well as angry when our progeny does not succeed in life & belies our expectations. No I am not trying to sell you Bournvita with DHA here. Nor am I trying to push a book about ‘Perfect Parenting’. Parenting is too serious a business to be left to chemical formulations, nutrient statistics and self help books. But, it is also too serious a business to be left to mentors, coaches & advisors, even if they are ex CMs. Parenting cannot be automated, cannot be outsourced. First lessons for the child come from (perceived) great feats achieved by parents. For every child the inspiration comes from what he believes as his / her ‘Superdad’ or ‘supermom’. The innocent child believes that his / her parents are greatest parents in the world, most ethical, h...

Published on Faking News in Dec 13 We sourced this letter from unknown, undisclosable but reliable sources. It looks like a letter written by AAP to US President demanding clarity on his support to issues raised by AAP. Going global Date: 14 th  December 2013 To President of United States of America 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington United States of America Dear Mr. Obama, I am sure you would be aware that Aam Aadmi Party took birth due to corrupt, hegemonistic & imperialistic policies of United States of America which have left the rest of the world poor, destitute & divided causing acute distress to the common man. Now since you have stated that you support the formation of AAP government in Delhi, the public wishes to know the issues on which you are willing to support us. The world has many burning issues which have been made more acute due to USA’s continuation of above stated policies. I am listing below some of the issues and I hope you w...

Published on Faking News in Nov 13 While Tarun Tejpal has been demonstrating amazing agility & dexterity in moving from one defence to another on the issue of his alleged sexual assault on his colleague from Tehelka, there are several other tried & tested lines of defence which he can use to get out of this situation. Tejpal thinking which strategy should he follow Secular Card:  He has already enhanced his stature by saying that it is a political conspiracy. But that is a line which every two bit politician parrots when caught with fingers in the pie. He needs to upgrade this logic by adding the secular – communal hyphenation. He can claim that the victim is a right winger, communalist or worse an RSS agent. After all, a secular victim would never complain about any misdemeanour or crime of a fellow secular. This would wake the MSM, give them the courage of conviction to defend him. Added half liners from Sh. Digvijay Singh would help and investigation agency ...

Published on Faking News in Nov 13 This piece was written as a retort to Sandipan Sharma’s “ Dummies’ guide to the 3 types of people who attend Modi rallies ” published on Firstpost on 19 th  Nov 2013 Rahul Gandhi happy to see all the three (types of) people waving at him. While the political commentators may have been churning out theories, racking their brains or clinking their glasses, depending upon which side they are on, the fact remains that in today’s world, collecting a crowd of 2000 to 4000 is not a joke. Especially in an environment where, to get even 100 twitter followers, one has to either turn to abusing the celebrities or post a series of some famous quotes without giving credit to who said it originally. To properly assess the impact of such significant crowds can only be done by analysing the types of people who attend Rahul Gandhi’s rallies. Broadly speaking Rahul Gandhi’s rallies have three categories of people:  Lookers ,  Freeloaders ...

Published on Faking News in Oct 13 We found this torn diary page at the corner of Tughlak Lane. Though it could not be established, it reads like a page from diary of Sh. Rahul Gandhi, Member of Parliament. Yes, he can write. Dear Diary, You are the only companion in my dispirited, disheartened state. I dare not say to anyone what I am pouring out on your pages. The seeds for my current mess were sown much before but nurtured over last forty years. It was only my stupidity which kept me unaware of my ‘clearly written on the wall’ fate. Let me explain. I was around five or six year old when Mom called me and paraded me in front of her friends, asked me to give a speech on how I will remove poverty when I became Prime Minister. Too young to understand and frightened by the demands of a staged performance, I complied nevertheless. The giggles and comments at the end of it ranged from, “So much like his grandmother” to “Already speaks like a PM” but these did not frighten...

Published on Faking News in Sept 13 Our sources got this document from Congress headquarters. Though it could not be confirmed, it looks like it is part of their introduction letter to new, potential allies.  We will make you an offer you can’t refuse. We would like to introduce ourselves as a 130 year old conglomerate offering variety of solutions for organizations looking for special services. Our happy and contented customers vouch for our unmatched offerings and services. Our bouquet of offerings: Immunity & Protection : The law is an ass, someone said. And if you are on wrong side of it, it can become an irritating ass. As one of our core competencies, we provide special offerings for total immunity & protection from investigation & persecution. We also have the capability to redefine laws in case our customers have a need. We use only ISO certified clean chits. Currently we have a situation of high internal resource utilization and with the limit...

“FSB has given the food grain to the household but if there is no woman to cook, the purpose of the bill would not be served. It is in order to complete the loop of hunger alleviation that we drafted this bill. It supplements the Right to Food Bill and is called FBS (Foreign Bride Scheme) on the lines of FSB.” were the opening remarks of Chief Minister of Haryana, Bhupinder Singh Hooda, while announcing the ‘Right to Bride Bill’. “Our young vice president has guided us towards motivating the youth of the country to take over the reins of nation and this is one important step towards achieving his dreams.”  Mr. Hooda added while looking indulgently at his son and Member of Parliament,  Deepender Hooda. Giving details of the scheme, he said, “Under the scheme, the government will take the responsibility of arranging brides for all the young men between 16 and 60. These brides would be sourced from countries having negative human sex ratio (More females than males). The d...

Published by Faking News in Aug 13 New Delhi.  Government has revised the poverty threshold levels for identification of households which will be beneficiaries of Food Security Bill (FSB), Chief Minister announced today. Importantly, to make the scheme universal, the identification schema has been reversed to identify those who are not eligible for the scheme. The new scheme stipulates five different criterion for any household to qualify as a Above Poverty Line (APL) household and thus not be eligible to get cheap food grains under FSB. The household needs to qualify all the criterion, CM clarified. What this bill actually means for Congress. The change was necessitated due to Delhi Government’s inability to find sufficient beneficiaries for FSB in line with the 70% coverage target given by Union government. Against this Delhi could only find only 72 lacs or 42% of beneficiaries from a population of 1.68 crore after considering all the BPL families, Above Poverty Line ...

Published by Faking News in Aug 13 Ministry of Tourism today announced a scheme for building 170 low budget hotels along Chinese border, the Minister of state for tourism announced at a glittering function in New Delhi These hotels are being built to meet the increased requirement on account of manifold increase  in  incursion  tourism from China in recent times. Terming this as a victory of Incredible India campaign run by the ministry, the minister said, “The paucity of rooms to house the guests was being faced for a long time. In fact, in the recent case,  an army unit  tourist group came to Arunachal Pradesh and had to leave within two days due to lack of facilities. Earlier too, many such groups had to live in tents and barracks and this does not go well with our culture of treating guests as God.” The hotels will be built under PPP (Private  Politician  Public Partnership) and government has rolled out several incentivization plans to a...

Published on Faking News in Aug 13 A security van containing “Clean Chits” meant for CBI headquarter was looted at gunpoint near Ettawah, UP, police officials informed Faking News. Two boxes containing 64 lac clean chits, meant for distribution to politicans & businessmen were being transported from a Government Press to CBI HQ when two gunmen waylaid the van at an isolated stretch and took away the boxes. Curiously, they did not touch the large stash of currency notes which was also in the van on its way to RBI HQ. CBI is likely to probe this loot and give clean chit to the security guards Experts opine that the black market for CBI branded clean chits is huge in the country. As the limited sources for such clean chits are servicing a large customer base, the prices have been skyrocketing recently. Now however with the infusion of large number of clean chits, the prices are likely to soften. We spoke to Vijoo Singh, a known distributor of clean chits and found him an...